is it appropriate to call someone “ a tasty piece of bitch?” This is time sensitive.
how was your night?
well, i just purchased 'sorry for being a drunk whore' cupcakes. how do you think my night was?
i crashed through a building. if that counts then yes, i went out with a bang.
She kept saying my hands are a cupcake factory
do to the flooding of the park, there will be a midnight bikini mud wrestling party behind my dorm. all are welcome.
You told him you loved him!?
I mean if he translated "Zi luve ku" as that then yes.
I was so stoned on the way to work, I pretended you were in the car with me. We sang "Mrs. Jackson" by outkast.
Just found a uh poem I wrote on ambien. It says to "cry your seamen filled tears" and "I hope you take a dagger to your vagina" and at the end it says "sincerely, God". What.the.fuck do they put in that pill?
It's election day and I was just tied up with an American flag scarf
I HAVE DISCOVERED LONDON AND IT FILLS ME WITH JOY
Im covered in coffee vomit and urine and none of which are mine
It's three am. I'm drunk in a stairwell in Vegas. My flight leaves at six. Help.
I peed on his bed and he still likes me. #keeper
I’ve got a lot of questions but the first one has to be where you got the flame thrower.
It’s amazing such a big dick belongs to such a boring guy
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