this other lifeguard and I are actually considering paying a kid to shit in the pool
His text read: Sex? I replied: Not drunk enough. He bought 4 more rounds and tantalized me with the offer pizza later. This could be the beginning of a beautiful relationship.
you know what would be great? if dirt tasted like steak and could get you drunk.
Currently in a meeting. i am playing the not throw up game. god i hope i dont lose.
Please stop using the dehumidifier for your weed.
Cognac is not meant to be taken in shots. I just wanted you to know the desperation of last night.
She hash tagged the word blow job in her text. Tonight's going to be good.
It's just my hair. It brings natural happiness. Like goldfish, big boobs, and milkshakes.
I like to balance the number of cups of coffee to bong rips in the morning before work.
just in the smoking shack with my sister cheering on a caterpillar make its cocoon
My dog is now used to me drunk singing and sleeps through it. I don't know how I feel about this
Got out of the uber to projectile vomit in the McDonald's drive thru. Gonna take a break from the Cuervo for a while.
Ryan. I woke up. At the neighbors house. And by the neighbors. I mean the ones to the north. The ones that hate us. Please call me. I am so confused and you are gone
At the neighbors house?! Like in it or outside???
In it on the fucking couch. No idea how i got here.
Think i may just have managed the saddest high-five in history. Finished a sudoku and high-fived myself, then looked around for somebody to high five. there was noone. forever alone.
Never going back to jail again. Only time in my life I've ever had a wet dream about jerking it...
Randomize