Moving to Utah. Got sick of alcohol and have a severe wife shortage.
the best part was when he threw his debit card on the table, looked at everyone and said "turn this into pizza!" It felt like a scene in a 'coming of age' teen comedy.
i woke up to the sound of my dad getting blown. this is my life
I can't help but be optimistic. I'm like a ball of slutty sunshine.
Tomorrow night wont work for me. I'm talking with Bryan about marriage and I dont want to have a shroom hangover.
Do you remember trying to use a pencil, pen, and sunglasses as your second form of ID at the bar when they wouldn't let you in last night?
I know it's not technically the "Mile High Club" but we def need a name for the airport bathroom. Cuz that just happened.
no one ever believes me when I try explaining to them that your straight. I'm all like, "yeah that's his girlfriends dress he's stretching out"
so "excuse the stench" wasn't the correct thing to say when your boyfriend's parents walk in on you shitting. Live and learn
I'm not sure... But I think I just found a porno I starred in during my black out week of '08.
Putting plan B on my parents credit card wasn't the smartest idea
Help I can't tell if I'm sexually attracted to Bill Nye
Oh.
You came to the right person.
You ruined the universe
Wearing my one sleeve dress...thought you'd like to know I shaved ONE armpit lol
Then you fell out of your chair, looked right at me and said, "You are sooo drunk."
Randomize
