For the amount I put out, I should be going on way more dates.
3 girls crying in the bathroom at the bar. Its like a Christmas song
K, so let's go ahead and say that mcnugget and margarita Tuesday was a bad idea
you're expensive. Idk about all this. What happened to free make outs?
Sobriety and mild self-respect
Tried to dodge fire in poncho. Fell through fence. Blood everywhere.
Yeah. I had to take off my shirt. It's soaked in weakness.
The guy who was The Count on Sesame Street died this week too. Therefore, you should take multiple shots, count them, & go "ahh aaahh aaaahhh" after each one. I expect video...
It's probably because the lack of alcohol in your stomach. Alcohol kills bacteria. I am a doctor. Trust me
time out. can we just pause the wholesome understanding friendship thing and be fuck buddies for a night?
we need a secret handshake
I vaguely recall putting a toaster in the freezer.
I am too high to deal with coming home to 11 naked people in my living room
I didn't even have pants on and you think I had an agenda
I'm gonna die. First I'm gonna throw up. But then I'm gonna die.
My Tinder date from last night is my Uber driver for tonight's Tinder date...neither of us said a word.
You were lost on foot. Texted us and told us that N*Sync couldn't save you, and then you "met Jesus" in your car.
Randomize
