Keeping hand sanitizer and lube in the same drawer in the same size bottle = awful idea
you made me watch la bamba, and then you yelled at me for disrespecting your mexican heritage.
he stole me 6 pairs of frilly undies and proclaimed "your ass looks like a 5 in those. it'll be a 10 in these bad boys". every girl needs a gay bff.
We should have parties more often. I ended up with 90 beers and someone cleaned my toilet.
rethinking that breast reduction surgery... i'm tired of drunkenly explaining the scars to guys who don't really give a shit
Do you know how hard it is to get cum out of a straw hat!?
Apparently I took one a huge picture off the wall at the bar and was walking around dancing with it..
Beautiful fucking linguistics Shakespeare, but youre still not doing that to my face
No, I know her type. Tall, lanky, uses teeth when giving head, and runs like a giraffe. Don't do it man..
And I'd make him talk dirty to me. In Forrest Gump's voice.
I hate being near you and not being able to do what I want. It's like a recovering alcoholic tending bar. I feel like Sam Malone. Except I can't bang the cute chick I work with.
Do you think Brian would let me smoke while we fuck? I'm not sure ill survive exams without a constant nicotine intake
I sang Sweet Caroline with a homeless man and made him 25 bucks. Redbull vodka gives you wings!
That was a very uncomfortable conversation to have without pants on. But his mom was pretty cool about it.
Just rode a bull topless for a free bar tap for a month
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