Dude, we're at Einstein's Bagels and the dude next to us is spreading cannabutter on his bagel.
She's pissed. She declared she was moving out and proceeded to pack 3 pairs of shoes, her electric wine opener and ONE sock. Then told us to have fun paying her portion of the rent.
He was like an artic tracker. Walked ten paces from the tree, then 15 paces from the mailbox, dug down in the snow, and pulled up the case of beer he hid from his parents out there. It tasted like ice cold success.
Just traded the drive-through guy at BK a Dos Equis for a Hershey pie before noon... win?
No. I just want to cuddle and talk about our feeling. Of course this a booty call.
I GOOGLED IT. BEES CAN MASTURBATE. WHAT.
He's against "violent sex" cause apparently my body is "sacred". Like dude I'm about to tell you about blowing your brother just so you'll fuck me like an animal Jesus Christ....
it's just not right when you're boyfriend has a nicer ass than you do.
My dad just told me I can't passout in the driveway after the 4th of July parade this year, again
Can you bring me the toilet please
doing squats while I brush my teeth.. gotta keep the booty in check
I encourage you to ignore feeling. Drinking more helps
There's a bull to ride and dancing on the bar is encouraged. This is my heaven. And this is why god made leopard tube tops.
I'm "drunk text both siblings" drunk.
I don't think you understand I turned down McDonalds for you.
Randomize
