my number is 615-555-1212, <3 your favorite asshole
I just saw the dad from "Little People Big World" at the airport. I chased him down and congratulated him for beating the DUI.
i think guys who wear condoms are gentleman.
I was in holding with a guy that got a DUI on a hover round. He was so nice. We're hanging out tonight.
I'm not sober enough to be having a conversation about a rap she wrote in Spanish about public safety
is election day enough of a holiday to justify getting fucked up on a tuesday?
He just kept pointing to each of us saying "arrested, arrested, arrested"
She's trying to feed the TV fried rice and screaming "FRIED RICE AND TEARS". Please bring me more booze.
Whoever brought the pigeon, please come and remove it from my living room.
They should make a traveling bouncer service to remove unwanted people from your house without getting the cops involved. That sums up my Friday.
I was drunk, he was taking a bodyshot while avoiding my piercing. I told him I loved him. He waited until I woke up with my hangover to say he loved me too. It was hangover magic.
What the hell happened to my hand?
Well, you got in a fight with a cabbie while jaywalking, but we got you to walk away. The problem was 80 blocks away, when you punched a parked taxi for "running you over".
He painted a swimsuit on me. Naked day at the lake was a success.
Literally the fucking master of salvaging the possibility of a blow job whilst also crushing somebody's dreams.
Fun fact. I just wrapped myself in wrapping paper for a sext. Is this a new high or a new low stay tuned.
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