we had that weird still in bed morning after conversation. Her dad is the vp of my company.
I've decided to only have meaningless sex from now on.
And what brought this epiphany?
I've decided it's a lot easier to have dirty amazing sex with someone when you don't care about the other person or what they think of you. I'm going to test this theory soon. Will update you later
You were in the corner dancing by yourself yelling "I look good", when really you looked ridiculous and drunk
Did we both pass out talking about cake last night?
i was taking a dump when this random girl ran in, puked all over my lap, then passed out on the floor
did you bang her?
seriously?
People dont know what to do when a naked fat guy is running towards them. they panic
I am in a hotel room with 10 people. John is in bed eating an industrial sized pan of mashed potatoes. I think a non insignificant number of people saw my nipples.
I'm gonna have to get you a special blowjob bib -- like a lobster bib -- but instead of a picture of a little red lobster, it will have a picture of a penis, with 3 big squirts coming out.
And the prospective student I was showing around had to take care of me.
After you puked in the bathtub you claimed you were never eating quesadillas again and you never even ate a quesadilla
i just thought a plastic bag was my cat. i just pet a plastic bag. that high.
he just cleaned his wound with pinnacle whipped
Like seriously, I would not be going if there wasn't pizza
no dude he sent me cemetery flowers, i know it. they are half dried out roses in the shape of a cross, seriously. and he is not religious. so he robbed a freaking grave site for me. am i like an accessory to grave robbing now??
damnit this is what you get for dating guys with neck tattoos
You tryed convincing the salvation army bell ringer you could do the worm and face planted into the sidewalk... I put a dollar in the can for your performance
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