UPDATE: In a passionate fit of self love, I brought myself to orgasm under the moon on my 7th floor balcony, ejaculating between the rungs towards the ground.
Unfortunately, I did not realize that most of it would end up on the balcony below mine.
At least you don't cum in color.
There are traffic cones in the living room. One of them is yours.
Dude it was awful. I woke up with more strippers in my dorm room than those duke lacrosse kids.
I got drunk and applied for two credit cards last night. About to find out if anyone in this world is still dumb enough to give me credit.
some gay kid said he wanted to blow him because "his eyebrows told a story"
Oh, and I'm only keeping her around till spring. Doing the hunt for cunt is too tough in 12" of snow.
His phone pocket dialed me while he was crapping. He was quietly singing stayin alive and possibly passing his intestines.
the worst part was waking up this morning to his skrillex ringtone.....when was it ever okay for friends to let other friends go home WITH GUYS LIKE THAT!?
SORRY BITCH CAN'T, TAKING SHOTS TO WHITNEY HOUSTON.
I ate the most amazing corn dog today.
I will probably dream about it.
I've had your balls on my face a bunch of times so the least you could do is buy a girl some dinner.
Typical Sunday morning text...are you alive?
All I want to do is lay in my bed and eat hotdogs
Our love of vodka is more proof than a maternity test
You tryed convincing the salvation army bell ringer you could do the worm and face planted into the sidewalk... I put a dollar in the can for your performance
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