I don't know how to tell my mom that I'm not sober enough to drive to the dentist...
so we told my parents we were going trick or treating. got high as shit at some playground. and then bought our own candy so we looked legit when we got home.
Went to my car this morning. Found a waffle from Waffle House in the front seat. No idea how it got there. So hung over I ate it.
I dont think getting to 3rd base with a girl you barely know is the type of memory they had in mind when they named the park "memorial park"
you taught an eight year old how to shotgun a half pint of chocolate milk, that's all i'm saying
In hindsight combining orgy Thursday with mystery drink madness was begging for failure
Also I found and fixed my beer gun.
Just assume that every drink in that house has alcohol in it.
Grandpa just put 6 jello shots on his plate. My aunt tried to take them away; he flipped her off. Living in the retirement home has hardened him.
Tequila ran out around 11 so she let them do body shots of chips and guacamole instead
I'm missing my left shoe, and there's a note on my foot (in my handwriting) that says "HAHA BITCH" Any explanation for this?
FUCK YOU IM DRINKING WINE FROM A BOX
You okay there or need a ride? Maybe a straw for your box
Maybe a straw...
at what point last night did i get this tattoo of an anchor made of dicks?
around eleven
That guy I hooked up with in new york last 2 statuses are "I'm going to be a father, it's a girl" then "wow syphilis sure does burn" I'm legit scared... What has my life come to.
It's alright. I'm just trying to make her realize you're not good enough for her.
Randomize
