So i guess my mom went into the kitchen and asked me why i was making mac and cheese at 4 in the morning and apparently i yelled at her to "get the fuck back bitch you don't know my life"
My plan for valentine's day: take a shot for every guy I've slept with. To keep me from going to the hospital I'm only doing half a shot for small dicks
youre just mad i got the high score on the breathalyzer
The liquor store manager told us to drink responsible as we checked out and we laughed to his face. Like we're buying karkov at noon, responsibility is out of the question
Bro I can't jerk it to my phone anymore. I feel Siri staring back, and she's real disappointed.
We are not on the "bring me breakfast" level. He's bringing me penis if I ask for breakfast too I'll just sound greedy
apparently I crawled into someone's bed and demanded they call me 'big dog' before shotgunning a beer
I know how to say Yes, No, and Your Mother's Vagina. So almost fluent.
it would be so handy to have a fax machine attached to my body
I wish I could understand how you function in society
Just made a diving catch to save a handle of Fireball falling out of the car. ESPN worthy.
I think the cashier could tell I was sad. All I bought was penis shaped food and chocolate
A huge penis doesn't warm the soul. Or that's what I've had to tell myself.
I just borrowed porn from my middle aged mother. This is what desperate looks like.
Why the fuck am I at this dorm meeting? I don't pay $50,000 a year to stay sober.
true. but still. you know how big of a sucker i am for a penis and a pretty face.
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