peeing in bathroom at penn station and the homeless man next to me is combing his beard with a fork...god I love new york
i found a beer bottle on top of the urinal, peed in it and put it back... if anyone gets drunk enough to fall for it they deserve it
So I had a Liz Lemon moment today....went to Chipotle to get my "cheer me up" burrito bowl for the 4th time this week and the chipotle guy sighed and said always the same huh?
maybe almost giving yourself a concussion counter acts a hangover
I was passed out in a dog food bowl tor two hours. Just tapped my dinner beer. I love homecoming.
University has ruined us all. I just had to clarify the last time I had sex as "No, not at the party we crawled home from in the snow. It was the one where you puked off the balcony and hit the barbecue."
Seriously, I woke you up with tacos, I think I deserve the best girlfriend ever award
Can you stop being a bitch and just take some Kaluha shots with me bro?!?
went to their party, left halfway through to fuck a pledge, came back to keep drinking. I think everyone won.
im mad at you for telling me he ejaculated during "let it go." Thanks for ruining the song forever.
Slap a cop in the butt for a felony charge. Check.
If you're signed up as "sober sister" can you do cocaine or nah
Want to sleep. Also want to see Alex on MDMA doing really stupid shit. Choices...
My ex-wife, who I haven't heard from since the divorce, just Amazoned me cherry flavored massage oil and a rainbow caps with the message "Happy Pride". What's the polite response?
We made a blanket fort in my dorm room and fucked in it. Twice. I'm in love.
Randomize
