omg this kid i'm babysitting is making a penis out of playdough ahhhh.
He just rolled me a 'baby penis' as opposed to his 'big boy' penis that he crafted...he just demanded that I roll him a penis.
after we finished we were both getting water at the kitchen sink...butt naked
so?
then my sister's foreign roommate walked out...in footy pajamas
he was in the bathroom singing "will it floooaaat?? will it floooaaat?!" turns out that's a deal breaker for me.
You were partners with her mom and you began calling her "the Robert Horry of beer pong" You also kept telling her that she was hotter than her daughter.
just took my exes job. there should be an award for how many times I've managed to fuck that girl's life
Saddest moment ever is discovering when your cat no longer wants to get high with you.
My roommate made me go home after I mooed at fat girls at the gas station.
I just saw a dude sitting IN a bush, weeping and playing a harmonica. I hope your day is going better than his.
He got violent drunk so we have to untie him in the morning. He's in your basement and you're out of electrical tape. Don't forget because I will.
I am going to make your legs soar from cumming so much
Like they're going to fly away?
So I found where you barfed in my house. Just wanted to let you know that my cat barfed on the kitchen floor in a show of solidarity
weekly advice from mom, "Drink vodka, it las hess calories"
He told me to be careful with the shrooms because he mostly had caps left. He sounded apologetic but that's the best news all week.
IM SO HIGH RIGHT NOW, IM WHAT ROCKET MAN WANTED TO BE WHEN HE GREW UP. ELTON JOHN CAN BLOW ME.
Flirting with/getting ready to possibly sleep with a married HS classmate and getting added to a bible study group chat within minutes of each other. #Balance
Randomize
