he was lying next to me and i saw him text "score" to someone.
He has jerked off in so many socks I am surprised he doesn't have athletes dick
i'm at a party where swedish girls are dumping laundry detergent on each other because it glows in blacklight. this is awesome
low key just jizzed in a chinese food container
i've decided to use this saturday afternoon to take care of my pube situation
It will be a surprise...all i can say is stripper clown
it's my sixth sense. If there's an orgy within 20 miles of me i'll know about if. Or be a part of it.
I slept with a married guy last night and then broke my toe on the doorframe on the way out. I've never seen karma work so fast.
I walked home with an awkward asain couple. There was a language barrier but I think we're friends now.
We are going to get clementines. And shoot them out of a ballon launcher. That's after we come up to the ivy with a bullhorn and reck havoc. Where are you.
I'm approaching homosexuality at an increasingly alarming rate with each break up.
We decided to make playlists for each other. Do you know any songs that say "sorry I'm not as hot as your prostitute ex?"
How bad would it be to ask my maintenance man for new blinds because the dude puked on those too?
Now when you said you'd never sleep with me, did you really mean never on a Monday or never without handcuffs or a blindfold or never on a airplane or never without lots of booze? Cus never is a pretty strong word.
The Olympian is in my bed
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