Today I ate a sandwich and half my molar fell off, feels like a semi sprayed into my jaw.
I wish i was spraying into your jaw.
We walked through the hotel lobby in slow-mo taking huge steps because we were astronauts, and astronauts obviously can't be drunk.
we've been at disney 20 seconds and she already got the cops called over
My mom is pretending to be Paula Deen while making breakfast...I'm pretty sure she's sober.
At least a dozen asian tourists will be showing their friends pictures of me peeing off of Hoover Dam with a cop pointing his gun at me when they get home. I worry about the impact on their children.
My phone really needs to stop auto correcting "library" to "ovary".
dude. this chick is staring at me like i gave her brother herpes.
Just had a threesome with a hot Turkish guy and an even hotter French lawyer. This what happens when I travel alone. You have only yourself to blame for this.
I ran into my parents house and stole a bottle of vodka last night...Apparently left them a note that read "DRUNK. TOOK VODKA. BRING MORE."
This guy has a theme song for the joints he rolls
I'm sorry you caught us fucking in your bathroom. If it makes you feel any better when I tried to put my pants back on I dropped them in the toilet.
Probably yeah. I mean maybe one day we can be those friends that hang out naked. Not awkard at all.
All I remember is the bartender saying your sucking them down and waking up on the floor in my underwear
I wish I was there so i could bitch slap his incredibly sexy face
THERE'S MORE TO LIFE THAN JUST MISSIONARY
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