I need to stop coming to work sober
Piggyback rides are my preferred mode of transportation.
she broke up with me and one of her excuses was constant soreness... should I be sad or proud?
And I kind of want to stare at skinny jonah hill like a weird zoo exhibit lol.
I don't think you understand. Its the best fauxhawk you've ever seen. I look like a gay dinosaur.
That's the most beautiful thing I've ever heard. Can I call you littlefoot?
Well there is another shower in Nov. So I have three months to figure out how to get some drunk space fucking. May need some of your mead
we have what I like to call an assload of ramen noodles
He said we were over, wrote my name on the condom he left in my car last night and said he'd always keep it in case I came back. It was kind of romantic
I really have to stop going to the movies high. Spending $10 to not know what the fuck is going on is starting to get pricey.
your keys are upstairs on the nightstand or I put them in the hole in the wall
He tried to brush a hair off my cheek, but turns out it was just a freakishly long chin hair. So no, we didn't bang.
He woke up wondering who broke in and rearranged all the furniture. He reviewed 11 hours of security footage before I told him he did it while whiskey-drunk.
So anyways, we returned the toilet paper and decided to use the money for taco bell and slurpees instead...
Dude, you spit in your shirt pocket saying "I'm saving it for later" then dove head first into the pyramid of beer cans we set up.
I have to stop at Sheetz to put my bra back on before I meet you hold on
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