I just saw a dog and thought "Hey! A goat!" Then realized it was a dog. Now I'm sad.
Thursdays are my worst days
but now we sippin champagne when we thirstay?
I've decided that my new worst fear is that I'll end up on "I Didn't Know I was Pregnant"
I had to go to the front counter of the restaurant and ask for the key because I was "pretty sure my friend is passed out in the bathroom right now"
You should really come over right now. There's hot construction workers across the street. I'm gonna go pour beer on myself in a bikini on the sidewalk. See you in 5?
He passed out so we kept throwing water on him, he got excited and asked if we were at the wave pool.
you're just mad cause i madeout with you while having a mouth full of chewed pretzels
Picking up hoes with my dad is going to make it a little harder, but ay, if thats how he wants to bond after 23 years, Ill give it a shot
Who the fuck did i sell my right shoe to last night i need to get that back im not walking with one shoe on
Wearing scrubs to buy plan b so I look like I have my life together.
hey the jello shots wont freeze
How much Everclear did you put in them?
uhhh all of it
nobody was home so I boiled the dildo
Does anyone remember last night? Because I still don't know why I now own a goldfish and a ceiling fan made of pizza?
That was fun and all, but let's never have sex on a ladder ever again.
Three cans of beer can fit in the shower catty... multi tasking
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