i mean really, i cant compete with a cucumber
Why does it say "go to Planned Parenthood tomorrow" on my dry-erase board?
turns out the guy i was dating because he was a cop was not actually a cop. i learned this as he got arrested by real cops.
She wanted to test if her costume allows her to still have sex in it. It does
do guys with small dicks even attempt to pursue romantic relationships?
We did naked snow angels in 14 degree weather, you can't tell me you had more liquor at that party
Is it wrong in Austin to talk to the homeless while I feed a bird my chips??
Just woke up in his bed wearing only his shoes. I don't know how to gently say hey dude get the fuck up and take me home....regardless these are some nice shoes.
Haha, I gave you the rest of the cash I had on me and you bought 3 shots for yourself and beer for everybody except me FUCKFACE.
I just had the most intense bikini wax of my life, i felt like i needed guardrails
Ever the responsible adult, I just realized that today is the Obamacare deadline, but I'm too high to handle insurance now.
we both turned hook ups into relationships we are crushing this thing called life right now.
The cops wrote boobs in the police report. ...vandalism is our calling
I think I left my thong in your bed. Careful. It has the power to destroy the agitator on a washing machine
Decided to smoke a bowl in my closet while my parents are gone. Just sat in the closet because I couldn't remember how to get out. Started panicking cuz I thought they were gonna show up... Checked my phone. It's been 4 minutes.
Randomize