my phone is set on vibrate and its tucked up in my left front pocket. call me back 20 times real quick.
i got lost in a forest last night. this morning I realized the "forest" was just 6 trees on campus.
She kept screaming "yeah! You pick up my books!" the whole time. . .
last night i found out that about 5 of my friends audio recorded us having sex through the bedroom door, then auto tuned it in the tpain app on his iphone.
the black eye was caused by a 12 year old girl in a vampire costume who punched you in the face after you aggresively screamed "TEAM JACOB!" in her face & howled at the moon...
I don't know ur idea of a good first date but I'm pretty sure it shouldn't include him holding my hair while I puke in the street
You crawled through a doggy door 5 times for a shot if cheap vodka.
I got pulled into the conversation by "she sleeps with everybody" then "she" involved sleeping with "cocks the size of a viva burrito"
she asked me where ive been her entire life and the guy in the room next to us yelled "with other women bitch!"
I'm just gonna pretend you didn't ask me that. I'll sweep that shattered moment of our friendship under the shame rug.
This stupid maranara sauce stain sucks. It keeps distracting me and it looks like I'm staring at my tits.
Do you think my laundromat will notice that the bloodstain on my sheets is in the shape of a face?
just drove past - why are you walking towards the shop in your pyjamas?
Can't talk, on a quest for bacon.
they are cutting me off...little do they know I am making a 75 yr old man i named Herbert buy me drinks now...no shame at 11 am...
She tied me to the bed and did lines off my chest before sex. I’m going to put that on my bucket list just so I can cross it off
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