I'm just looking at Lindsay Lohan's vagina.
Oh yea! I was just doing that too!
me texting you is like we have secret walkie talkies.
halloween makes it hard to decipher real cops... from sexy men dressed up as them.
She's gonna be fat in the future. On a side note I had a "It's not you, it's me." conversation with a bottle of jack last night.
Man, I thought my dick was gonna fall off.
Dude, I didn't even think they made slap bracelets anymore. You okay?
there is literally a full grown man stuck between the radiator and her bed. i thought i kicked him out 20 minutes ago but nope we found him
I just told a squirrel he was gonna suffocate because he was eating a plastic bag. and i stared at him till he spit it out. Its official, I love squirrels more than people. they actually listen.
so my mom thinks I'm picking you up just to go buy you liquor before you go back to school tomorrow...
I'm ashamed that your mom thinks I haven't already taken care of that.
okay the fridge is completely filled only with alcohol. Not even exaggerating. There is no food.
Sometimes I wonder if we're going to make it to 40.
I just want to be covered in whipped cream and spanked, is that too much to ask?
Let's play "Guess What I Just Found In My Vagina?"
Yeah but sometimes your vagina needs to be fed and when we are drunk we tend to eat junk food
Trying to Jedi mind trick myself into not throwing up. This is not the esophagus you are looking for.
Shit. My boss is having me meet and greet with the new doc upstairs. Do you think his doctor powers will detect that I'm still high?
Slowly dying because of my period and my phone is mocking me because I have 69% battery
Randomize
