saw a man at the beach in a red speedo. when he rolled over he unintentionally displayed a HUGE skid mark.
how are you gonna miss the world cup? other than the olympics it's our last way to assert our dominance over China after this economic bull shit
I just smoked my last bit of kief with a grill lighter. This is what crackheads must feel like.
i walked outside and you were driving up the stairs to her apartment
The entire time I'm blowing him she's in the back seat lecturing me on the reasons why you're not suppose to do that while they're driving...
just woke up in my car, in front of the bar. Took me 10 minutes to find my keys which were about 10 yards away in a bush. According to my phone records, I called my ex 14 times last night. Breakfast?
you tried to fill your inhaler with vodka
I'm a busy girl. All I wanted was noncommittal sex a few times a week
i showed up sober to class for the first time. my prof said that i was "off my game today". i love philosophy
Whatever. That's why I am to be babied like a calf. I regret nothing.
Building a door into the garage so when I bring girls home my mom doesn't wake up.
Pathetic yet considerate
If there's one thing i learned from edward 40hands is that i couldnt handle life with bottles for hands
I dont know who to turn my two weeks notice into so I'm just going to get hammered at work and see who fires me.
If I knew the person sucking my dick didn't say thank you for their Christmas presents I wouldn't be able to cum.
I’m at the Eye doc, sitting in the waiting room. The woman next to me is highlighting passages in her bible. I’m watching pornhub on mute. I clearly need some penis, or Jesus.
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