if i were to get pulled over right now, the only thing i would be guilty of is listening to 90's Mariah Carey
he put his p in my v, then his p in my a, and then tried to put the p in my m? first, double dipping is rude. second, i'm glad he finished shortly after that, i'm afraid of where he'd try to stick it next. my ear?
she keeps The Day After Pill in her bra... there is a God.
Do you know how hard it is to masturbate with a runny nose?
i cant believe i hit a parked car with a pink dildo in my mouth... fuckin epic
I have absolutely nothing sober to say to you.
Come on. I'll make you hot pockets. Literally and sexually.
We haven't even eaten dinner yet and she's already been asked to "take it down a notch" by the groom's mom.
My hands always smell like pizza crust when im hungover.
I've hit an all time low I just sent a boob pict to fat Randall the one I gave a partial bj to a year a a half ago
I'm going to start charging you rent if you keep leaving your random conquests on my living room couch the morning after
I just slipped on ice and peed on my pea coat. There's a pun there but I'm too sad to make it
How do you keep manipulating these men into helping you?
I'm a massage therapist with an oral fixation. It's not nearly as hard as you make it out to be.
I just woke up to a ten minute voicemail of you sobbing about the X-Men. Stop getting drunk and watching Marvel movies.
BUT WOLVERINE IS SO TORMENTED AND JUST WANTS TO BE LOVED
P.s. I loved that your balls smelled like coconut
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