I just wanna be some guy's midlife crisis
I just threw up, I'm either bulemic or pregnant, and I'm now accepting bets on which it is
I just wanna not walk straight. Is that too much to ask for?
all i remember was you yelling "look at my little feet" at everyone on the way home from the bar.
We need to get sombreros so I can give them to strippers.
My penis has a 100% approval rating. He has never received a formal complaint. If you'd like to file one, you can go fuck yourself.
We still need to grow old, buy a house, and drink 40's while wearing old people sunglasses, staring at the young studs mowing our lawn.
This guy just asked me to stab his arm with my keys to make sure he wasn't dying.
The last thing I remember is feeding country fried steak to my best friend in a bubble bath with my bare hands.
Sitting in airport bathroom. Guy walks into toilet next to me and announces "I want to apologize to the entire airport for what I'm about to do"
It's gay pride weekend and Father's day.. So in honor of the occassions I am now BI
I'm at the store buying a new phone cause I pissed all over mine last night. Drunk me is expensive as shit.
He asked if I was alright. I said "Yeah, I'm just an incapacitated ball of orgasmic bliss right now."
Quick question, did I crash teeth with you when I snogged you, or did I headbutt something between the car and the bed last night?
people need to understand when I say I don't want to drink anymore that doesn't mean tempt me with another bottle of Jose Cuervo.
Randomize
