Sorry, I don't speak sober.
She was so drunk that I kept trying to switch out her wine for water. Sort of like Jesus, but in reverse.
his status popped up and said 'probably going to jail.' it took everything i had not to press the like button
Any parent would be proud to have a daughter that's a blowjob fairy
I found a big gulp cup full of vomit in my freezer, are you behind this?
I just got a flashback from Saturday night of you helping me wash my feet in the bar's bathroom.
I want a coyote to ride back and forth to the bathroom because walking is getting old
She showed me her tits and my first thought was "I want these to feed my future children." I'm scared.
YOU LET ME GO HOME WITH CREEPY RON JEREMY?!?
...and?
I hate when you're right.
Showed up physical therapy hammered. The therapist just says this isnt part of the program.
Option 1: fuck me and bedtime. Option 2: come fuck me and then hangout with everyone. Option 3: don't fuck me in which case fuck you.
Told him my main goal was to seduce the man and convince him to leave his wife for me. He didn't argue just asked me to let him know if I succeeded so he didn't waste anymore time not sleeping with the secretary at his office. I have an incredible boyfriend.
Just got recognized as black out drunk girl. I'm never going to live that down, am I?
I want you to worship my cock.
That's not how you start a conversation.
Dude. Don't do acid and go to Disney on ice. Hear my warnings. That snow monster will fuck your shit up.
Randomize
