Things I find upon waking: a gay man, a straight girl both clad in web bathing suits, a full bathtub, an empyt bottle of jamesons at the bottom and a scuba mask
how the fuck am i supposed to make breakfast with spaghettios and mustard
I want my own midget army. I think I would be a good midget army leader.
He was so confused why there was a string hanging out of my vagina.
the best job he will get is a sex ed teacher in alabama
I mean. If you don't have time I understand, but my dick doesn't.
The bartender laughed but the manager kicked me out when the mom conplained. There's no way my fart harmed that baby in any way
So can we talk about how we all three made out with the bike taxi driver in lieu of paying him. I'm not even mad, that's resourceful. You know what married girls would have had to do? They'd have had to pay.
We've cranked the heat for blizzard versions of all of our strip games. Come over.
So lets not base feelings on vagina tingles
Last time I was your wingman I had to deal with a girl whose only interest in my body was to clip my toenails. I'm not interested.
Brb crying the tears of my youth
If you dont get laid dressed as Woody Harrelson in Zombieland, I have lost all faith in the men of nw Indiana.
She asked what a chaser is. I died a little inside, please come back..
Legit just looked at the gin bottle and said, “Aw fuck, I’m going to feel this in the morning.”
Randomize
