That's what you get when you play shuffleboard drunk.
she's like the human form of herpes, as soon as you think she's gone for good you have another out break.
Segways are the fanny packs of transportation. Useful in some situations, but you always look like a tool when using one.
i have no idea who im with but someones making meatballs. im going to stay.
Theres a baby at this concert double fisting pacifiers. shes gunna do great in college.
She said that I needed to "pregame her so it can slip right in."
I accidentally got a lemon stuck in your bong. I was trying to make it taste good. Sorry
Dear Penis Owner...our records show that you are overdue for servicing...please contact our friendly associates to schedule a thoroughly satisfying experience today...operators are standing by...
OMGGG I JUST SAW A REAL OWL JUST CHILLING ON TOP OF A SIGN POST. I WALKED UP TO HIM AND SAID HOO HOOOOO AND HE TURNED HIS HEAD AT ME AND WAS LIKE YEAHHH BRO
i officially have over $300 in my bank account. that's a year's worth of chipotle.
I just realized, I'm going to be on my period for the end of the world. FUCK.
We got out of the car in valet drinking beers we gave the valet one as a tip
My actions are not mine. They are the actions of Patron.
I think I’ve been affected by his dad mustache. I wanna ride it.
So... Sorry we took your wife to the strip club last night... And sorry we bought her that lap dance... I think you're getting closer to your dream of a threesome, though.
Randomize
