He keeps saying he loves me and ruining perfectly good conversations.
So we were sitting in his back seat and he asked me if I practiced giving head. I mean really, who asks that?
hungover + watching bobsledding = i just puked
I am officially out of liquor stores within a 15 mile radius that don't recognize me as soon as I walk in the door.
We raised our shot glasses and you screamed out "TO MY DAD FINALLY GOING TO REHAB!"
listening to the two girls in the next stall finish a 40 and laugh at this guy they both fucked. they're calling him 'tulip dick'.
Can't decide which I like more. Telling a girl she's pregnant or telling her she has herpes. It's the little things that make medicine tolerable.
I tried to make friends with the geese living behind Hughes. They didn't really like that idea.
Are you high?
I don't know what I would do if cheese never existed
Someone's stooooned
Learn from me. When going to a booty call do not wear a belly shirt. Nothing says shame like a belly shirt at 7am.
your were asleep with people making out on top of you. you didn't even look bothered by it.
She shoved her hand down my pants and held my cock for thirty minutes in the bar. It was like she was letting all the other females know I was hers.
I don't need this shit right now. I just woke up covered in pistachios
How did you interpret 'wheat thins' from 'vaginal trauma'?
Ugh. All the good hoes are in their third trimester.
Randomize
