you kept trying to convince me i had aids because my head hurt
you tried to arm wrestle for the title of "mom's favorite son"
it's kind of nice to have a picture of me making out with someone and actually know who it is for once
chlamydia ends and my period begins. this isnt real life
Using a Nedi Pot after doing lines... at least I'm a health conscious drug user?
Ive waited a long time for a girl with prescriptions like yours.
You were sitting in the tub, clothed, squirting my KY all over yourself. You said "it's warm." then passed out.
She said she liked strap-ons.
SHE WAS TALKING ABOUT SHOES, YOU ASSHOLE! YOU'RE THE WORST WINGMAN EVER!
I want what they have, but in the meantime I have a whole bottle of rum to which I'm quite devoted
Don't think anyone else in the building has a lunchbox full of yay
Hey there's a sandwich in there too!
I feel like I should have backed off when "I love you" came out on the third date. Now I'm in her bed wondering which door my shrine is behind. Fuck.
Her mom is a nurse who got called in to declare someone dead. Just got wing manned by a corpse.
Are you 5:30 blackout again?
Going on a first date tonight...pros: my boobs look amazing. Cons: my abortion isn't until next week.
Why did u text me "I want to get drunk and go to pizza hut tomorrow. don't let me forget." at 3am??
That text was pretty fucking self-explanatory, man.
Randomize
