i saw a guy balancing a black cat on his head last nite
get a pic
i tried he was too far away anotherguy was walking with paper bags on his feet explain that
i want ur life
I'm at the bass pro shop. They have a river full of trout and turtles, a shooting range, a full bar, and the patriots cheerleaders are here. I now understand why people are rednecks. I may never leave
My favorite part about you getting arrested is having to explain the prosthetic leg in the front seat.
if the future wants me to fuck him, then i guss i have to
Thing I said while arguing: I want to be single again so that I can have pizza and dick rained down upon me.
Pulling out all the stops on being a lady.
No memories of receiving this. Or of getting home. Or of apparently developing a taste for marmalade, which I assume is yours because I have literally never eaten it before. It's all over the kitchen. And my phone. And in my hair. Oh god I wish I wasn't on the train to work. X And sorry about the kitchen x
She's cute. And her snoring noises remind me of the incidental music from Jaws.
I'm in the fetal position watching the little mermaid and trying not to die. When do you come home?
He ate the contents of an ashtray and didn't puke, I think he can handle drinking a fifth to himself.
You know your night is done when the police confiscate your bra at high school basketball game
That cat I follow on Facebook beat cancer so we're drinking tonight in celebration
He gave me a box of cheez-its after sex, does that make me a hooker?
I honestly just wanna put my face in her tits and disappear from this plane of existence
have you ever tried to puke in an automatic flushing toilet? impossible
because nothing says “let’s fucking rage” like getting a compensation letter and some company stock
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