i have a girlfriend
if you're drunk do you have a girlfriend?
no
Dude, totally just found out that I've been washing my hair with semen for the past 3 weeks.
4 months of living in europe has taught me the art of making a drunken stumble look like a dance move
Idk. I'm naked in front of the computer eating ribs. All is right with the world.
That's so nerdy and hot at the same time.
The police report said that there were 25 cases of bud light, two hookers fighting in the street, 13 cop cars, and two road blocks, a kid got tazered, another got maced, and over a hundred people in the house
So that means its a bad thing that your dad found it huh?
Omg, looked at my call history, and judging by the times of calls it took me like half hour to walk home frommcds
50% drunk capacity currently
Dumb decision of the night...walking home drunk and smelling my pepper spray
I kinda took a step back after our "surprise bottles night"
all I'm saying is that my epic blow jobs have made grown professional football players cry in ecstasy
He fucked me so hard my nail polish actually chipped. I'm keeping him.
ORGASMS AND PIZZA
PIZZA AND ORGASMS
I couldn't find my contact solution so I thought mixing toothpaste and water would work
I think it's a bit on the nose for the Uber driver to play stairway to heaven while driving like A psycho.
Yeah but now he has a wife. It’s going to be different this year
So what. We’ve banged every Thanksgiving since high school. She just has to understand it’s a holiday tradition
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