on the way home the dog started throwing up her bone in the car..so naturally i started to puke too
Lost is over, my longest committed relationship is coming to an end.
If it was designed to hold water, it was designer to hold wine
You aren't going to like my movie choice because it's a Disney movie, but I am cordially inviting you to the couch for blowjobs.
Are you up yet? I really want to know if i tried sleeping in a field... i have the vaguest memory of trying to
New low. Just realized I hooked up with a guy from Grindr in the hallway of a building my great grandfather used to own..
Opted for cash back rather than the 10% extra I'd get for store credit, solely for drinks tonight.
You're lovely.
I feel like vibrating beds are just synonymous with venereal diseases.
Is it possible to break your brain with drugs?
I have so many plans for this weekend and sobriety is not invited.
Dude my doctor just legit got down on her knees and loudly begged me to do my pap smear
I was asked last night if Magnum makes a XXL..... I don't think I've ever broken this many condoms in my life
I was amazing, unlike anything he's ever experienced. I somehow made him feel young and old.and he never felt old before. He feels I will literally kill him. With my magic, lethal vagina.
Your mom has reinvented the use of a ping pong ball.
IDK if she's gay or not, but there is something about the way she looks at me that says "do dirty dirty things to me." I have no choice but to oblige.
Randomize
