So I walked out of my room and there was my brother....standing naked
i wish there were pregnant emoticons
I woke up wearing nothing but 7 partially eaten candy necklaces. Only one was around my neck. Don't even try to tell me I don't need plan B.
Just so you know, if you are not feeling well today it's cause you drank a gatorade bottle full of highlighter fluid.
BECAUSE THIS IS AMERICA AND DONUTS AND TITTIES AND ALCOHOL IS WHAT THIS COUNTRY WAS FOUNDED ON
He slapped my ass and his clap-on light turned on.
She asked what it would take for you to fuck her. You drunkenly mumbled, "pepperoni pizza" and then got in the cab by yourself. You were smiling too. It was weird.
There's going to be a velveeta shortage. I'm not drunk any more, this is just dire info.
You grabbed my arm, said "I need you" in a very concerned voice and dragged me to the other room where you were blasting Evolution of Beyoncé.
Update: they told me I was twerking to twenty one pilots
Why do I have a separate credit card just for booze? Because I saved enough points so Saturday we are flying to Denver to smoke legal weed and fly back in the same day.
Left my house last night with a girlfriend, $200 in my wallet, and 10 finger nails. Came home with no girlfriend, an empty wallet, and 9 1/2 finger nails.
Yea, I had a bad night too aha
I think I was just motorboated by a 4-year old girl.
You know what sucks about being drunk at 4 pm? Not a god damn thing.
Sorry I totally pulled a home invasion on you last night
That was super inconsiderate of me
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