My wife says its no good to have oral sex during pregnancy. So i guess pregnancy is like regular life.
i feel like barbie the morning after an elton john party
i cant even explain all the reasons why i dont want to fuck you right now.
Walked home this morning with my contacts in a shot glass.
First class.
I think my plan to not drink this week was just ruined by my mothers discovery of the chat function on facebook
I am currently sitting on a candy bar to warm it up cause it was in the fridge so I can eat it while watching the last song and smoking weed by myself
do you think theyll let us bring mariachis to the strip club?
My family will be here in an hour and I'm deciding between doing my makeup or saying fuck it and wearing what's left of last night's...
He taped a champagne bottle to both his hands and called himself edward champagne hands. At one point he poured some on his lap and said " Just needed to make sure my dick got some too"
My mom comes home from her weekend with her lesbian co-workers and asks "You wanna know how I got these bruises?" I've never been more torn about anything EVER.
In light of this week's heat-wave, we are having a house vote tonight on the temporary suspension of the "no smoking indoors" clause. Please bring your voting cards to the living room at 6:30pm
Point of Clarification: by "voting card" we mean a full beer and/or shots
You can't just be this socially awkward and sexually frustrated and jealous as a fucking demon and be expected to stay sober.
I just fell out of my doorway to go to class so if that doesn't describe how my night went idk what will
My roommate just google searched "cumming blood" using my laptop. Her boyfriend is in her room, she looks scared. Words cannot explain how hilarious this is.
We need to stop smoking. I just ran into a glass door.
Randomize
