I let some guy put hot sauce in my asshole for his birthday
So you coming over for some grilled cheese and head?
I have a plus one for the Blackout Express, should I pen in your name?
Pretty sure I just heard the turkey yell "don't put me in there" as it was going in the oven. way too high for this holiday.
Maybe I'll just get really drunk on valentines day and tell him I think his penis is small
Why do I always miss the parties you're naked at?!
I get naked cuz your not there
And I really REALLY don't feel like cleaning cinnamon off my penis tonight.
I am making dinner in lingerie and heels and there is a 75% chance his roommate is going to walk in on this.
Yup. There he is. This conversation is awkward.
It's 4/20 of course I'm going to smoke in the portapotty and be ripped outta my mind at the lung cancer walk.
My wife just tried to justify to me why she wants to bring a girl into bed with us. I should win an academy award for my face and response of 'well of its what you need.'
Hired a new intern today and we have something in common. I blew her boyfriend in high school. Do you think she knows?
Ultimate fat girl moment: I promised him my mouth for the night if he bought me a funnel cake..
I've been sleeping with the same person for about two months now, I think I know a little bit about stability and commitment.
Do you own a cuff key and know where Karen lives?
He literally had a Trump sign in his front yard. I just can't now.
Randomize
