My own vomit just splashed me in the face. How's your day going
We left the bar, went to a sex shop, bought penis shotglasses, went back to the bar and insisted that the bartender used them.
She is putting glow sticks from her bedroom to the bathroom. She is calling it 'Being prepared'. God help us all tonight...
You called him your tasty little crouton. Which actually wasn't the weirdest part.
YOU CAN'T BASE A RELATIONSHIP OFF A PENIS
I LIKE HIS TONGUE TOO.
YOU STOLE THE WEDDING CAKE?!?!
Only one tier
Tastes like cardboard anyway
Text me back. Urgent. It is a porta Keep the portal alive.
Is this the acid talking?
My favorite bartender added me on Facebook. Now he can clearly see how under 21 I am
Pro: Drunk Portland Strip Club. Con: Monday morning hangover at work. Pro: boobs. Con: Sleep deprivation. The Pro's are winning.
I would agree. Add some coffee to the booze. It will cut down on sleep deprivation.
Is it inappropriate to be Drs. Willy Fister and Jess Hewill as a couples costume for Halloween?
Oh we're gynecologists
Don't be surprised if I hand out mini dildos on Halloween
And the sexual frustration is like I'm wearing a damn horcrux
If you wake up with half a an eyebrow.... I'm pretty sure it was a good time.
She's sent me the same nudes using the same gestures and positions... It's like she has a template for her sluty-ness
I had a threesome with my hot neighbor and his GF and by threesome I mean I heard them getting it on in their apartment and I was in my apartment with a vibrator
and I may have moaned his name loud enough that they heard me because now he won’t make eye contact
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