Just set all my clocks a minute apart. Now my 4:20 is longer by sixfold
my family just sang happy birthday to baby jesus. no ones even drunk yet
Just realized after we're done pre-gaming for St. Patricks Day, we have March Madness, the first day of spring, and Easter to pre-game for. March is a great month.
I found the pot of gold last night, and it was full of bad decisions.
Sometimes you just need a break, and sometimes you also need to get stoned on these breaks. I sound like some kind of fucked up mr rogers when I say shit like that.
I don't even want to go. i just want to be a hermit and live in a cave with an elephant that pisses vodka
If thou arrisest to consciousness before I, rise me to an office of alertness for occupations such as brunch. Warm Regards, your roommate.
You know you're old when tea and a hot bath are more appealing than beer pong with lesbians.
Now I get the fucking shakes every time I hear I'm Sexy And I Know It. Thanks, Captain Morgan.
you were making out with a guy that looked like Fat Albert, I kicked you in the vagina but you didn't stop
my dad is now demonstrating how to start a fire with a tampon. happy fucking new year!
So I'm not dead, but close call. I think I can handle one more bar.
Speaking of boners I learned how to say " jizz everywhere" in sign language
All I remember is dance battling with a man named tom the entire time who kept buying me drinks so id say it was a success
You've got until 8 and then I'm kicking down your door and pouring a beer down your ass via funnel
Randomize
