do you remember wearing her cheetah rainboots and making bacon shirtless?
i'm drunk and confused. there might be a 4 year old here.
I was trying to be really smart and save 10 dollars for each cab there and back. ...so I ripped a $20 dollar bill in half.
Listen, it's not like I meant to bust the window out. It just sort of happened. And I'm also sorry for stealing your dads bandanas.
I'm sexting at the thanksgiving dinner table...this is a new holiday tradition.
Ugh why does it have to be margarita Monday. Why can't it be pants off dance off beer pong but with jager Monday.
I drank toilet water last night, I can't answer you because my phone is in rice.
no joke- she just sprinkled parmesan cheese into her champagne and slurred "I just need a little snack"
The internet is out at West Chester so I'm masturbating using my imagination. What is this, the fucking dark ages?
I feel like it should at least be like a "hey look I'm actually fine that I drunkenly gave you my virginity!" friend request.
Wasted. And I have 5 pounds of potatoes that I'm responsible for.
Just hit on a girl with the line, "You look like Natalie Portman if she did drugs". Strike 1
Just found out my dad smokes weed too. Mom, grandma, all aunts and uncles, and now my dad too. It's like I'm genetically engineered to be a stoner.
How did I get home last night?
We put your keys on a lanyard that asked anyone that found you to bring you home. A nice man in a cape, green shorts and a mesh shirt dropped you off this morning.
Oh. Yeah. Riiiggghhht
You will be reminded everyday when you witness my majestic mustache.
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