Driving out to Plano is like driving away from your twenties
Please tell me how I woke up out in the middle of nowhere wearing nothing but a hard hat and a man thong?
after we had sex last night he told me he smelled like my vagina. and then he said that if his roommate had a vagina he would probably smell like it. because "they hug weird and shit."
I just found a beer bottle in my xmas tree while disassembling it. God, I'm going to miss the holidays.
It will be a surprise...all i can say is stripper clown
Called the cops on a high school party then went in after all the kids ran away and took the rest of the beer. What are you doing tonight?
I'm pretty sure my liver died in Reno and my intestines are doing hula hoops around my asshole. The bachelor party was that good.
I hopped in a random dudes car outside the strip club at 3pm on a Sunday and said "Follow that car!"
We have a nice shopping list..vibrators and roller blades
Priorities
pray to the hookup gods
the cop asked if i was drunk and i responded with "breathalize me, cap'n". incidentally, he was a captain and i blew a .13.
He keeps singing a song about someone called the dayman.
....fighter of the Nightman?
I'M GOING TO DIE ALONE WITHOUT ANYONE PRETENDING TO BE A MARRIED COUPLE WHILE DRUNK AT A MALL WITH ME
I just gave my boss a blowjob. underneath his desk at work. that promotion is mine!
Don’t listen to me, I’m walking around wearing nothing but rave bracelets and headphones shouting “yeeeeaaahhhhhh”
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