yeah that pretty much nipped itself in the bud when I realized i could see her whiteheads glowing in the blacklight
you told me heaven would be the 3 of us at Moe's forever and every hot girl that walked in would ask us to play stone face
I wanna tell red shirt guy I'm pregnant and use the abortion money for Coachella.
She was mid-sentence and then BOOM the hammock broke off the tree. I about pissed myself. Hot Sprite and Vodka make the world go round.
It was more like a tour de entire bottle of wine in 14 minutes
I'm doing blow on my fuzzy rug
Come join me
Just got a blowjob from a coed in exchange for saving her an iPhone 5 when I get them in stock. Sometimes it's awesome to be a Verizon employee.
He broke into my house just to tell me the door was locked.
I found my keys in the basement freezer. Drunk me is a sneaky little bastard.
I, soberly, gave myself a concussion trying to take a pic of my vagina. Fuck you and your hangover.
the staff put glowsticks in the urinals of the porta-pottys last night and honestly drunk me has never been more grateful for anything in his life
We ended up shitfaced at the house after the Super Bowl trying to get someone from Scientology on the phone.
My boss just texted me, clearly drunk, and said get down here pronto with a handle of rum, 50 lbs. of cold cuts, and a BB gun. This is not why I went to law school.
Your ex spoke highly of your penis and it’s skill. I’m interested in learning more about it ;-)
I'm hearing voices and sirens. I'm scared. I heard a manatee out there.
Randomize
