I'm driving in the middle of nowhere, and I just saw a stuffed Barney hanging from a noose on a tree. Maybe I should turn around.
She invited me to an Eagles game, I mean that is almost better then if she told me she could only function with large amounts of semen in her system at all times.
I just sneezed and had an orgasam..THAT turned on
Because when I say 'You shouldn't drink anymore', she hears, 'I personally challenge you to chug 3 more mixed drinks'
Turns out I wasn't throwing up blood, I just threw up so hard it ripped my tonsils. Thank you Jameson.
I could end up kidnapped. Or worse, the night will be really awkward.
He turned me down because he was still doing his taxes.
CHAZ BONO WILL BE ON THE NEXT SEASON OF DANCING WITH THE STARS.
Internet Is back!
MY NEWS TRUMPS YOURS.
So are you still down for me to come stay with you and just have sex on vicodin all weekend?
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He just had a handle of vodka with ice in it yelling at people hot august night mother fuckaaaaa and was pouring it on his face
He broke up with me over the phone while I was getting my bush waxed into a "D" for his surprise birthday present. Talk about bad timing...
Plus, I've always wanted to drive in rush hour with a huge cock drawn on my hood
Just saw some dude tumble down the stairs of the bar while leaving...fist pump...and then sprint down the road
No he's here. We were watching Harry Potter stoned as shit and he fell asleep with his head in my lap. I'll figure out what to do with him after Harry gives Dobby the sock.
I DIDN'T WATCH THE PILLSBURY DOUGH BOY PORN!!!!
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