remember when you found twisted pleasure condoms in my parents bathroom? theyre gone.
he kept kneeing me like he was playing footsies... only then i realized it was his dick.
Topless wife handwashing shirt. Tonight marriage is good.
he texted me at 1 in the morning to ask if i wanted to come over and play in the snow with him
at least he gets points for a creative booty call
He grabbed every salt shaker in the apartment and we haven't seen him since. He really really doesn't want to shovel snow anymore.
He's basically like a fancy dildo that buys me dinner.
I was afraid that she would smell her boyfriend's penis on my breath while we were talking.
My god this is going to ruin whatever Vegas left of our souls...
You threw up on yourself mid conversation with your mom and then told her a girl at the party puked on you.
I'm offering you baseball tickets and my vagina, isn't that enough?
I was behind him snuggling, I told him I was the big spoon and he told me I was too little it was more like he was wearing a backpack.
Is it weird to befriend your older alcoholic landlords?
Some guy I'd never met and didn't invite threw the punch bowl at the wall and set the plastic skeleton on fire. I don't think we'll be getting the full deposit back
Got caught peeing in public. Sucks. It was a police station. Sucks worse.
I got my gum stuck on his balls.
Randomize
