Being alone has allowed me to flourish into a complete weirdo
I woke up this morning with I hate myself feeling
i was drunk at family dinner telling about my gay brothers sex ads on criags list
Unmistakable female orgasm noises coming from upstairs shower
She must've brought a toy -- seriously doubt that he's up to the task
Yeah. He most definitely jizzed himself in the face.
She just got back from rehab. You dont celebrate that with margaritas.
organizing the empties. That sober.
I would convert to being a Republican and Mormon just to sleep with Romney's sons. The things I would to do them.
Jared is "trying to bite a strangers hat off" drunk. Oh, and that stranger is a girl at a table of 5 guys, one girl.
She carried my bag of puke down the aisle and the flight attendant wouldn't move the beverage cart so she put the puke bag in the flight attendant's face and said "I have a bag of sickness!" I've never seen a cart move that fast.
I've been to his house multiple times since that night and I STILL can't find my bra. And he says the hot tub ate my thong.
Idk I'm drinking Sam Adams and wearing new balances so I'm basically a dad
A German guy asked me to take a bath with him. I can't tell if he's just an eccentric European or a run of the mill creep.
The creeper at the bar just realized we have the same birthday and bought me four beers already. He walked off so I took his change and dashed, i'm bringing the case over now.
I call bullshit
Call it what ever you want I just need to figure out how to get permanent marker off my cock
Randomize
