Nothing is worse than puking naked in front of strangers
Karaoke makes my soul die one wretched song at a time
this is ridiculous... i look like a white version of MC Hammer...
ARE YOU ALIVE? usually when i say lets start drinking at inappropriate times you come right over. im worried
sitting in the bathroom telling some girl to keep puking or she will die. while holding a beer. nursing school rocks.
and then you looked me right in the eyes and said "i just really wanna pet some horses right now"
On Friday, can we drink like its Civil Wars times and the doctor's coming to saw off our gangreen infected legs?
How could she say that about my foreskin when she hasn't even seen all the cool stuff I can do with it?
in the midst of studying i picked up my capsule full of untouched weed, popped it open, and whispered "soon" into it. midterms man
Heat not working dressed like an eskimo. A real one with a ski sock on my junk
your phone died, so you started bawling in the bar
yeah that sounds like me
They took the TVs out of the gym and the mini-Mart only had 2% milk. 2015 wants me to be fat
OK... But I need to shower first because I'm covered in stuff I definitely shouldn't have slept in
I'm gonna invite every single tinder date I've had to my birthday. Let them fight, battle Royale style. The winner gets to fuck me. \n\nBest. Birthday. Ever
I swear I only fuck him for the huge bottle of smart water he gives me afterwards.
Randomize
