My wife caught me jerking off, I had to tell her I was thinking bout her
My nipple rings set off the metal detector at the courthouse this morning.
u kept pointing at random guys and making quacking or mooing sounds.
I didn't hate myself when I woke up today, that's improvement right?
Your panties and toothbrush are in your mailbox. just not ready to be with anyone serious. take care.
Don't mind the bowl full of ashes in the sink. I meant to set that on fire.
there is nothing more depressing than your birth control alarm going off while you're masturbating, and realizing you've been taking pointless precautions for over a month now.
Why were you eating a hot dog in the bathroom at 230 am?
My roommate was sleeping, I thought it would be rude
She tried to beat the waitress over the head with a bread stick because one of her martini olives was missing a pimento. All while screaming "IT'S GAMEDAY BITCH"
Olive Garden will never be the same.
I watched her follow him out of the bar, chase him around the corner and literally throat punch him. It was awesome.
So I just sneezed blood everywhere. On the upside. After yesterday I feel way more confident AND I give even less of a fuck.
well at least now you can say you got an STD from the frontman of a band no one's heard of
fuck you.
I have fence marks all over my body
Just walked outside my house; realized I wasn't wearing any pants after about 3 minutes or so.
Drunk, high, hungover?
...I wish I had an excuse.
Had a one night stand and didnt remember the guys name until he started sending me poems in the mail.
Randomize
