Remeber, hes got nothing better to offer you than drunk words and hairy balls.
What. The. Fuck. No, you will not spank me.
That wasn't intended for you, my bad.
I just withdrew $200 in ones. I think the teller knew what was up
This guy in church just had a prayer request to help him get through his hangover. He is my new hero.
Sitting on the floor in my kitchen eating taquitos. Being this drunk the next day has lost its allure post graduation.
We need to be on the same page regarding the 3some this time. No more "one of us should probably leave" moments.
Oh that's what I forgot last night.. To make out with her.
Lost my virginity dressed as catwoman. He was dressed as batman. Glad I waited.
So the contents found in my winter coats this year: coat 1, condom and 10$. Coat 2, condom and 75$ check. Coat 3, 2.05$ and a sunflower seed.
Obviously coat 3 had the best time since you used the condom and all of the money
I think I'm done drinking. How did we end up partying at a frat house with my mom...
turns out my ex girlfriend has become my most successful wingman. life is fuckin weird sometimes
His flight was delayed by two hours though. I just got cock-blocked by clouds :(
Should I go bust a nut on the beach
It's going to turn into you and me throwing down in a devastating lip-synch battle while everyone else stands around awkwardly.
tell him if he brings over dinner you might let him see your left boob...or right, whichever you prefer. But under no circumstances do you let him see both...unless he brings a good desert...like coffee ice cream or something
Randomize
