I'm smoking weed out of a trumpet
I just did a slip and slide down the hall way of my apartment building
Tie
can someone explain to me why i woke up under a twister sheet
so my daughter wakes me up this morning and i feel like a vibration so im thinking she has my phone..nope my vibrator
The drunken tricycle race really added some class to the Tour de Franzia. Until everyone wiped out and started puking.
He walked me home last night across campus while i fed him pasta out of a solo cup at 3 am.
whatever buzz i had immediately ended when i saw her run through a sliding glass door
Male strippers are involved. You are coming
Just had the "whores are people too" talk with Mom. Bright side it's Christmas, and I may have been drunk, I don't think she caught on.
Although I'm glad you didn't let my climb in the sink, I really wish you would have let me pretend to be a duck in the shower for a little longer
and everyone will high five me and girls will approach me offering blowjobs
Dude, please tell me you know why there's a naked chick asleep outside my room.
How do you politely tell a guy that you only kissed him so he would shut the fuck up?
Cheese, the small of a woman's back, the universe, mountains, vampiric demons, sleep, and dreams.
Fuck I think I want to but I don't think I should. Caught between should and wanting.
just follow your vagina
Quote of the day.
I just walked into my kitchen and my little brother is standing with his face two inches from the clock, staring at it, and eating an apple. I asked wtf he was doing and he just goes "the hour hand is moving VERY slowly".
Randomize
