the shit that comes out of a woman's mouth when she knows you can't hit her is fucking unbelieveable
the best thing about dollar beer night is beer is only a dollar.
I need hand sanitizer and jesus.
So can we just skip dinner and I'll just pay you for a blowjob?
Don't tempt me, I need beer money.
nothing cures the holiday blues like an open bar
I made the bartender pinky promise me there was still vodka in my drinks.
you know by doing this we are using dad as a drug mule right?
Hunting for men at chipotle... I feel like I should be more disappointed that this is the way my life is going but I'm really just excited for the potential.
during charades she pointed to herself and you guessed 'girl who wants to fuck me'
Apparently, I showed up wrapped in caution tape and immediately jumped on the stripper pole and started making very sexual gestures at the birthday girl. We lasted ten minutes.
We thought we were getting kicked out but then he started tickling the bouncer. Next thing you know the bouncers giving him a piggy back ride to the bar.
after attempting to eat a candy cane bigger than my hand i have determined there's no way to eat this that doesn't seem erotic
woke with Taco Bell next to me in bed and people's shoe sizes written on my arm.
the roommate is literally cooking green eggs n ham, and I'm too hungover to see straight. Dr Seuss nightmare.
Do the security cameras outside your house capture sound? If so your whole family is going to hear me describe my threesome
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