I still think their baby is ugly. I also still think it's yours.
i have a new swear word: supercalifuckaliciousexpialadamnit
So it turns out the white chocolate in the bathroom is actually soap
I don't smoke a lot but now and then I do. Weed and I are like still standing naked in a bathroom together deciding if we should blow one another or bolt for the exit. An awkward relationship.
Life lesson: using the oven as a heater= $500 electric bill
i'm naked playing bejeweled blitz in your bed. this is both a forewarning and an apology
ol I'll be okay, it's only a christmas party so the worst that could happen is I end up playing madden naked again
He then proceeded to tell me about his enlarged lymph nodes, his"severe" case of blue balls.
The good news is that I can 100% reassure you that you did not get knocked up by some creepy Italian dude named Sal Manella last night.
The bad news is that you will never know the name of the guy who may have gotten you pregnant last night because he clearly gave you a fake name, sweetie.
If I have to masturbate more than twice a week you fail as a fuck buddy. Just so you know...................you failed
i just wrote an ode to an enchilada dorito. i'll need that pregnancy test now please.
It's an open bar. I'm gonna be gone when you get here.
Text me the address now before you're too drunk to text English.
Well now you know not to take drugs from your friends. Take it from stangers. They're more reliable.
also, when i showed up he started talking to me and eventually asked me if the girls treated me well. i went on to talk about my sex life. he was talking about his secretaries.
momentary stint on a second floor library computer...guy next to me snorted blue adderall off his notebook through a cut straw, i cant tell if this guy is my hero or just plain crazy...
Randomize
