I just projectile vomited in a Methodist church parking lot. If Jesus didn't love me before he sure as hell doesn't now.
stop calling my apartment porn island.
I'm home and safer than post-menopausal sex; you're welcome for the image. And yes, I did just use a semi-colon hammered.
Making and watching you take a mixed shot with vodka, chocolate syrup, tobasco sauce, cranberry juice, and sundried tomato juice wasnt the highlite of my night. Hearing you puking from downstairs was.
Nice. I ate a jello shot out of a bovine blow up doll's love hole last night
I'm going out w/ her for her b-day in a bit. I just talked to one of her drunk friends on the phone who asked if I could "handle 7 lesbian." This could be interesting.
I pulled my bra outta my purse. Covered in honey mustard. I still lack an explanation.
Yeah I don't even know dude. This shit has reached new levels of ridiculous. Let's hope baby Jesus gallops down a rainbow on a sparkling unicorn and wills that bitch clean. I think that's the best chance we've got.
Can I bring some rope too? It's not too early for bondage talk, is it?
It started with a wedding, followed by a drag show, and ended with Trevor getting punched in the face by the bouncer. How was your weekend?
She said she had a surprise for me and sent me a video of her having sex with some fat dude. It was a mood killer
Do you rver get that feeling like their are poprocks filling ur boday?
Currently hot boxing a fort I made on our snow day... This is legendary
A unicorn in pinstripe pants just got on the J at Dolores stop. It can only be a good night
I have no idea what to do with myself since we graduated.
I've just been napping and sexting all day.
Randomize
