imagine if we didn have a dick. we would be so much more productive
The plus side of allergy season is that after our weekend coke binge my runny nose fits right in.
I found those 18 whoppers we bought.
He came up to me muttering about the pills on the bathroom floor... I found him an hour and a half later trying to take naked photos of himself with an alarm clock...
we where pretty evenly matched until he threw me through that wall
making my second box of kraft dinner for the day. thinking about telling him how much you cheat on him so that you end up having to spend valentines day with me. i'm sorry its every man for himself.
Just used the leftover candycorn for candycorn vodka. Our house is trying to continue the Halloween spirit for as long as possible.
Who knew drunk me could climb a 17 story building for apple juice and sex
It's like refusing a bong hit from michael phelps... You just can't do it
After I was kicked out of the last frat I blacked out, woke up in the hospital with no clothes no phone and no idea what happened last night. But i got hospital socks, thats a win in my book.
I think the blind guy i flirt with on a regular basis is starting to realize he's old enough to be my father. I can't tell if he's into it or not.
Things that happen while I poop: I start dating someone
Anyone who can sit 4 hours in a doobie circle with their feet in a kiddie pool is ok by me
I’m literally lecturing this class on professionalism, while my body is undoubtably covered in leftover cum from last night. I’m a fucking role model.
I need to find a divorced guy with a boat and let my tits do the talking
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