I just heard a teenager say to his friend "dats my baby! i was hittin her up on myspace like gurllll. she got me steamin". must have missed the memo its 2005 and we still use myspace.
my mom found me this morning spread out like jesus sleeping on the living room floor. i had a piece of bread over my eyes to block the light out
Bachelor party turned 19 hour search and rescue in the mountains. nbd
Well idk about you but my nose is all recovered for the weekend.
In chronological order you drank, sang, smoked, napped, threw up, cried, laughed, described your pubic area, passed out. You have abused the privilege to use me as your D.D.
She pulled a wad of lint out of my bellybutton while she was blowing me. Said she's never seen anything like it. I've never gone soft so fast.
The last thing I remember is feeding country fried steak to my best friend in a bubble bath with my bare hands.
Just to prove a point, she called and ordered a pizza 10 min before she ordered the blow and it still got here first. I may never leave LA.
I told you!!! And that is why he's the drug dealer to the stars.
You said something about how beautiful my pockets were, then walked away.
Yes talking about pockets is classic me.
I am an advanced cybernetic robot sent back in time to 2013 to fuck my wife senseless for hours on end. Have you seen this wife?
Eddy, if you don't want to roll play then say so. This is just obnoxious
Yeah and you keep saying "I know how to win America." While running away from us
The Easter dress struggle is real
Yep. Just had to pull mine off to puke.
Dude...are you really going to start sexting during our friend's memorial service?
THAT BEAUTIFUL FACE AND HEAVENLY LIGHTING IS NOT HELPING THE NOT DEAD POINT HOW DO I NOT KNOW YOU ARE NOT TEXTING ME FROM THE AFTERLIFE
The after life smells like latex gloves and hand soap
Had a job interview today. Walked into the room and said "IT'S GO TIME, BITCHES".
Randomize
