It was ok at first, but now im getting freaked out by him jerking off to me doing yoga
You kept saying thank you to the automatic toilet as it flushed your puke.
You picked me up and threw me on a barstool and shoved shots in front of me.
Thats like the definition of a good friend
all i wanted to do was something grown up. like go to applebees and drink.
I can't remember much about walking home last night. I think I kicked a dog.
I'm promoting my liver to CEO of my body cause it clearly works harder than anything else.
Just saw a man downtown with a cat just riding on his shoulder like a furry parrot. He may be homeless, but I think he's your soul mate.
So the day after the 4th I'm sitting here drinking Molson and watching NHL free agent frenzy. From patriotic American to drunken Canadian in 24 hours flat. Booyah.
Come to Des Moines on Saturday, handcuff yourself to me and drink a bottle of vodka
I saw this news story about two naked Satanists being arrested so I thought I should ask if you need bail money or pants
On her way to bed she said, "If you have sex on the couch, just move my blanket" Needles to say, we moved the blanket
what do you mean i can't make cookies with a blow dryer? challenge accepted.
TJ is going to paint me in a Patriots Jersey he can paint you in an eagle jersey. Did this last year and got so much dick.
Seeing her tonight. She doesn't want dinner, just wants me to come over for awhile. My penis just sent me a thank you card.
A good example of deductive reasoning: Knowing that when my girlfriend texts me "I promise not to smoke all your weed!" that she is...at that VERY moment...Smoking All Of My Weed.
Randomize
