it's like god just wants me to be high for five days in a row. keep the blizzards coming.
I don't think you'd be able to understand Inception if you weren't high...
I can't believe I just compared my penis to a St. Bernard.
I know she was blacked out, but she looked directly at the toilet and said "we meet again"
Remember that time we were in the handicap bathroom snorting Molly at the stripclub. That was a defining moment in our friendship
Now he's trying to use the tornado warnings as an excuse to get head. Yeah, b/c THAT'S the last taste I want in my mouth b4 I die...
he gifted me a vibrator as he was breaking up with me. you tell me how my night went
I've been on this train for an hour and this women has been on the phone and all she's said is "guuurrrrrlllll, gurl, gurl." I may commit suicide.
You kept trying to get the girl i brought home to hook up with you by enticing her with 12 baconnators you brought home
I thought I was pretty much sober now but then I realized I've been eating scrambled eggs with my hands...
Why does my therapist keep calling when I jerk off?
They only searched every other person. But I sacrificed myself to get our vodka across the border
my roommate would be appalled if she knew how many times i've peed in the kitchen sink
She asked what a chaser is. I died a little inside, please come back..
I swear my vagina needs to be taken away from me when I drink.
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