you left your dildo in my car
rules of finders keepers apply
They threw a beer at you on stage and then you stopped the karaoke and cussed everyone in the bar out for 2 minutes
So you know that marine I slept with, well his girlfriend just told me I was pretty, I almost feel bad for sleeping with him now...
Dont! You were just serving you country
Sorry for my penis texting you last night, I can't control what he wants at 4am.
Half my face is frozen, my vagina is broken, I'm wearing only gym shorts eating a plate of mashed potatoes, avatar is on my tv. There's a naked guy on my couch whose name idk. I needa talk to you asap
Please just fuck her. She's new to LA and doesn't know anyone nice.
It's like, "you literally have no idea who i am but i definitely slept with your brother in your bed."
Well, somebody (me) put on reindeer antlers, crawled around on the floor, and meowed at people... So yeah, I'd say it was "one of those nights"
I fell asleep while studying last night and woke up smelling like whiskey and sex... words can not describe how confused I am
It's like God tapped him on the shoulder and said "You are now capable of giving world shattering, tear jerking head."
My Sexting was not on an AP level
Not my lover. I would rather lose all my teeth, and I fucking love my teeth.
But being sober is boring. Everything takes so long, I feel like I'm just waiting in line to die.
How does the curb feel today?
It's stronger than my elbow. But I found my lighter while I was down there.
And then she grabbed my dick and started singing 'ring ring ring ring banana phone'
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