i wonder how he feels talking to my mother about jesus with a condom on his dick
I wish I had my own personal Asian lady that lived under my bed so that she could wax my eyebrows and give me a pedicure whenever I wanted.
where'd the toddler underneathe the beer pong table come from?
I guess you don't realize how much twelve bags of chips are, until they're all over your floor.
I just want you to know how happy I am that you are circumcised.
That reminds me of that one time you handcuffed me to a table leg while I was reaching for the vodka.
The only explanation I can think of is that he still likes me. Which gives me an enormous amount of power over him and makes me laugh with malicious intent.
But seriously who drew a dick on a tortilla and nailed it to the door?
Sorry I sent you a video of a singing reverend last night, I was really high.
I just had to explain to a 5 year old why I had fuzzy handcuffs hidden in a macaroni box under my bed.
After getting kicked out of the bar, you proceeded to McDonald's, ordered 30 nuggets, slammed them all back in 5 minutes and then stole 3 traffic cones...how you only got charged with drunk in public is beyond me.
It's volleyball. Just do it. You want to look sporty. Save sexy librarian for another day.
I'm using emojis for drug deals now. It's time to kill me.
Not sure, she said after cussing out the dentist they called security. Make that the first person I know 86'ed by a dentist.
If a weird guy texts you in the near future asking if you are satan just go with it
Randomize