I am going to fall madly in love with a ginger, marry the ginger and have lil ginger children running all around town. Oy
You shut your mouth
he ran me a hot bath. i thought i was in a pot and was going to be eaten. i was strangely ok with this
Only you would get a date out of getting hit by a car
Yeah you insisted everyone watch Space Jam at 2 in the morning then you cried the whole way through it. You were the very worst kind of drunk.
Chris threw beer can at guy. Guy ended up being a fighter. Chris got his eye socket broke. Fighter got hand re-broke. Chris is passed out. Fighter is in kellys bed. everybody won last night. I think.
I knew it would be a shit show so I just went ahead and took plan b before I even got there. How's that for responsible?
VAL. THIS MOTHERFUCKER IS LAYING IN MY BED WEARING A CAT SHIRT, VAL. COME SAVE ME, VAL.
I'm worried about your health. And your boobs. Actually, health, then boobs. Health first, boobs second. And third.
I think the only option is to smoke so much weed I just pass out for 3 days.
I should stop using "Braveheart would do it" as a basis for decision making...
Sorry my friend with benefits tried to run you over with his car
No he doesn’t answer my texts except for like on New Year’s Because like I was fucked up on New Year’s and he said happy new year and I told him the same and I called him dragonslayer and you can’t really recover from that
I think I just scared the sex out of my booty call. He saw me at the grocery store using one of those "future mother" parking spots right next to the handicap ones. He just made eye contact and drove off. I regret my laziness.
Last night you were throwing up in my toilet singing "all by myself."
sober me needs to have more faith in drunk me.
Randomize
