i broke my thumb. i no longer have 2 opposable thumbs. i'm sub-human. i love vicodin.
last night i got mauled by 2 gay men who were trying to make each other jealous by making the other think they could swing back- you're going to love atl
Google Chrome's "top 8 most visited sites" page has become my motivation to stop masturbating
His ankle bracelet only gets in the way when I'm trying to take off his pants.
I don't know where my bra went.
Welll you ran into the street, took it off and yelled "I'm a free woman!". And then you threw it at some homeless guy.
Lauren she was gnawing on a dresser. Gnawing. On. A. Dresser.
ive been a drunken mess for the last 5 days. i feel like a 19 year old again
Stumbled into class and into a desk. When I fell my bottle broke in my backpack. I had to leave there was vodka everywhere.
Why isn't there a sort by hair color option on Facebook? It would make stalking much easier.
Well the streets were closed, so it was okay for me to just lay down for a little bit.
Haha he's lucky I don't kick him back into the land of the majestic handjobs
Dude, seriously, fucking stop introducing me as "Thomas, with the dick piercing." you are the worst wingman ever.
She came home, put on the news, left a 20 minute drunk message on her friends machine, then proceeded to play back the entire message laughing hysterically and then just passed out
Sometimes I get confused on who I really actually know and who's lives I just know everything about via internet. Its a fine line
Okay everything with a penis is officially dead in my eyes
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