My parents showed me my IQ test from fourth grade, I'm shitting on my potential.
dude skip the party. it is a fucking post office here
what the hell does that mean?
nothing good but a whole lotta male and packages
Dedicating my hangover to whoever the hell I hooked up with in the bathroom last night.
just kidding, dedicating it to the gods of mexican food. omnomnom
I'm in charge of his party but you're a paramedic, we're both needed.
When you get here, kick me in the balls. It's really important. - I'll explain later.
If you're not peeing in public bi-monthly, you're not really living.
barely 48 hours and I've done the dirty on both of my roommates beds before they've even slept in them
Not sure. He doesn't know where New York is on a map but he gives an incredible spanking.
Who cares about New York?
This guy kept trying to use "see? I'm clean. Cleared by the plasma place today." as a pick up line. This is not okay.
idk wtf was in that bud but I was talking to my dead dog last night bro holy shit
Just learned a valuable lesson today. Don't open snap chats from 3 am the next morning while sitting next to a small child. They totally saw your dick.
Holy Hangover.. I'm marrying whoever put this water by my bed
And I wasn't CONVICTED of a felony, I just committed one
We broke up. And I told him he better give me my fucking star wars movies tomorrow. Priorities.
You might see me up a tree with a deranged look in my eye , just walk away at that point
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