Hey dude. Went to the hospital. Call me when you get up
I had a dream last night that Anthony Bourdain gave me a vibrator.
she kept yelling 'call me bella'
I think I found my soulmate. This guy in front of me is yelling about getting laid while holding two beers and texting. I think this is love.
So she is eating her margarita with tortilla chips....like using her chip as a spoon
You could say the cab driver was less than excited when we called his personal cell phone at 4am for directions back to our hotel after having blacked out at the club
Nothing is more awkward than taking a dump while someone is crying in the bathroom.
Recently successful and happy relationships are at an all time high now that you are no longer fucking so many peoples girlfriends. You alone have changed the mating patterns in the lower half of our county.
You need to stop relating my life to your schoolwork. But tell my girlfriend that she'd be proud.
It's like I'm snorkeling in an ocean of tequila.
He tried to use a signal flare to light the bong
And?
He melted the stem
OMG. Hung over at my grandparents house. Threw up on 3 T-stops, countless snowbanks, and the grandparents driveway. Was proposed to last night. Bruised from head to toe from falling down 3 flights of stairs. Debating my intelligence because it seems that "happy new years" is too hard for me to spell. How were your new years festivities?
In the middle of blowing him I looked at him and said "Your so old..." and then continued. I need to stop drinking.
I burned myself with a joint twice in one sitting I have to say that's a new record for the least number of times I have hurt myself while smoking.
I hurt myself, but I'm pretty sure I saved the carpet.
When my card got declined you bought the vibrator without me even asking. This is what friendship is.
Randomize
