my girlfriends now gay ex-boyfriend kissed me. tell maddie i can't hangout today
At chipotle, there's a bachelorette party starting out the night here, i'm going to let you imagine what the bride to be looks like
Is there any way to un-invite somebody to a wedding? I just checked out the other family, and I can't have a cockblock there.
I don't know why I've never thought to take my bong into the bathtub before.
Romer got arrested for getting in a bar fight with a bus boy because he was trying to steal a keg, had it all the way to the car
Some chick just barfed in my math class. Everyone here is hungover. Yay community college
Michelle asked what I was wearing tonight. I responded with a g-string and plastic wrap. I've gotten no response since.
On the 3rd day, she mixed sangria and orange juice and saw that it was good.
In my next life I better get to be a bird. Fuck flying. I'm gonna shit on your car. Every. Day.
It's like sexual waterboarding. You gave me sex so good I'm comparing it to torture. Jesus.
We just saw two bitche in pink capris jazzercising down the road. On Thanksgiving.
Of course, it's a law of friendship. "Thy friend Shalt always hold hatred for thine friend's swinish ex"
Great, now even dream!me is a drunken borderline mess.
It's Friday you fucking nerd of course I'm drunk.
you're now officially the 3000 mile booty call. congrats.
Randomize
