Plan A DEFINITELY worked... Go with me to get Plan B??
Circus confirmed... Jello shots before 9 pm are not cocktails for sucess
Unfortunately, they didn't pull of their wake and bake plans. Instead, they waked and vomited like a half-retarded giraffe till everyone woke up.
My dad caught me fucking in the pool last night. He proceeded to tell me I needed to "quiet things down" while this guys dick was still in me. Worst daughter ever.
Now I know he's not trying to fuck me. He took me to lunch at White Castle.
MANGO MOTHERFUCKING GODDAMN MARGARITA DELICIOUSNESS
Is it bad that I don't ask for names anymore? Just added "gold-chain-wearing hotel guy" to my list under "minivan 3way" and "funny-tasting gym guy."
Jsyk, in serious talks of trading blowjobs for soup in bed. I'm sober
Sexual Frustration City, population: Me.
I just tried to give a picture of a dude a blowjob. through my computer screen. I was leaning forward with my mouth open and everything so WALK AWAY
Jesus, you make out with one twin then sleep with the other and suddenly they don't want to play soccer with you... Men can be so sensitive...
This morning was so rough I can't even. I was cutting up vegetables for my omelet on the floor. THE FLOOR. I sat on the floor because I felt like I was gonna vom.
I want to get a list going called "D list celebs I've kissed"
I somehow turned head, shoulders, knees, and toes into a sobriety test
There are peanut butter donuts now. We are playing with forces we can't possibly understand.
Why is there a pair of panties on my front lawn?
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