I feel uncomfortable when she gargles my jizz.
you dont have to exercise, you threw up last night!
Call me in 2 minutes and go along with what I say. You're hysterical and I must go comfort you asap. He just asked if I was ready to experience sex with a wizard and he wasnt kidding.
woke up in nothing but a glued-on tiger tail. they used super glue.
I tapped out to boredom. She bought me a full meal at Subway. Two tap beers and a pretty weak long island iced tea. I'm five dollars cheaper to fuck than she is.
You better not fucking die before we have sex while you blow fire. I'm serious. Don't mess up my sexual bucket list.
Life lesson: When you compete in an impromptu "bloody mary chug-off," in the end, no one wins.
The bride and groom wore the Batman masks I brought. Best wedding ever.
Does it count as working out if stops are taken every half hour to smoke a blunt?
I brought ur friend Scotty home... He started rubbing my crotch then fell down and passed out in front of the microwave
Defrosting my uncrustable with my laptop...Hungover dinner
If I wear a tail on Halloween, how am I supposed to grind? Maybe I will just wear devil horns
Oh great. I guess I'm second on that list now that we've confirmed she's not a lesbian AND that was her sister.
I need a hoe opinion
go on
I've also stopped shaving, like, everything. I can't tell if I'm empowered or sad
Randomize
